Tell you what. I'll show you something very special,if you
promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and
keep them there.

		--Comic Book Guy
		Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
Bart:	I bet it's worth a million bucks.

CBG:	It is my lad, but I will let you have it for a hundred
	because you remind me of me.

Bart:	Aw, all I got is thirty.

CBG:	Then you cannot have.

Bart:	But I must. Until this moment I never knew why God put
	me on this earth, but now I know, to buy that comicbook.

CBG:	Your motion is out of place here, son.

		Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
Martin:
	Can you let me have it for forty dollars?

CBG:	Forty bucks?! Forget it! You made me get off my stool
	for that?

		Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
No! No, freakin' kids. I do not need this, I've got a masters degree
in folklore mythology.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
Milhouse:
	Excuse me. Do you have the Carl Yazstremski baseball card
	from 1973, when he had big sideburns?

CBG:	Show me the thirty bucks, 'cos if you ain't got it, I ain't
	getting off the stool.

		Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
CBG:	Here you go, mutton-chop Yaz.

Milhouse:
	I don't want it.

CBG:	Freakin' kids.

		Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
Bart:	Look pal, we've got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy
	Radioactive Man number one, so why don't you just waddle over
	there and get it.

CBG:	Yes sir!

		Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
Looks like you bought more than you bargained for boys.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
%
Bart:	What the hell's this?

CBG:	Melvin and the Squirrels, part of the rodent invasion of the
	early sixties.

		Homer's Barbershop Quartet (Episode 9F21)
%
Bart:	Is this cel worth anything?

CBG:	Huh, let me show you something. This, this is a Snagglepuss
	drawn by Hic Hiesler, it is worth something. This, this is 
	an arm drawn by nobody, it is worth nothing.

Bart:	Can't you give me anything for it?

CBG:	I can give you this telephone, it is shaped like Mary Worth.

Bart:	Awww.

CBG:	No groaning in my store.

		Lady Bouvier's Lover {dl} (Episode 1F21)
%
Lisa:	Two hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that album to honor 
	the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy.

CBG:	He's dead? Well why didn't you say so.

(CBG crosses out $250 on the price tag and writes $500)

Lisa:	Awww.

		'Round Springfield (Episode 2F32)
%
Bart:	'Scuse me, my good man, I have five hundred dollars to blow. 
	What've you got?

CBG:	Behold, the ultimate Pog. (indicates the Steve Allen Pog)

Bart:	I'll take it.

		'Round Springfield (Episode 2F32)
%
CBG:	So you kids fancy youselves experts eh?

Bart:	Well, between us we've read all eight hundred and fourteen
	issues of Radioactive Man.

Milhouse:
	Yeah, and we both have a special limited edition issue where he
	and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.

		Radioactive Man (Episode 2F17)
%
CBG:	Well I suppose you know then that Hollywood is planning a
	feature-film about Radioactive Man.

Bart and Milhouse:
	(hats fly upward) Gasp!

CBG:	I have got to do something about that air conditioner suction.

		Radioactive Man (Episode 2F17)
%
Bart:	Who's gonna play Radioactive Man?

CBG:	I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.

(He moves to his computer)

CBG:	Okay, here we are, alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know
	star RM pic.

		Radioactive Man (Episode 2F17)
%
(CBG and Otto are racing slot-cars)

Bart:	Have you seen Milhouse?

CBG:	No. Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion of
	the Universe.

		Radioactive Man (Episode 2F17)
%
If you are waiting for the 'Hi and Lois' signing, you are
too late. It has been moved to the Springfield Colosseum.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Bart Sells His Soul (Episode 3F02)
%
Bart:	Please, you have something of mine on a little piece of	paper.

CBG:	Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh. Well since my breakfast	burrito
	is congealing rapidly I will be blunt. I sold your soul last night.
	I found a buyer right away for that item.

Bart:	Who?

CBG:	I am not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were most
	interested in having possession of little boy's soul.

		  Bart Sells His Soul (Episode 3F02)
%
Er, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case please, it
contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to
commit suicide. Thank you.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Bart Sells His Soul (Episode 3F02)
%
Bart:	I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm, here's 99 cents.

CBG:	Huh. Allow me to summarise the proposed transaction. You wish to
	purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents, net profit to me, negative 59
	dollars.

(CBG opens the till)

CBG:	Oh, oh, please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's yours.

(Bart reaches for the money)

CBG:	Er, er, er. Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I	shall close
	the register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental
	price.

Bart:	Oh, then may I please rent it, please?

CBG:	No you may not, I am all out, though I do have a surprising amount
	of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

		Marge Be Not Proud (Episode 3F07)
%
(Leaves restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos)

Yes, this should provide adequate sustainance for the Dr. Who marathon.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Bart The Fink (Episode 3F12)
%
CBG:	Question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?

Homer:	No, it's Homer.

CBG:	Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer.
	And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties,
	I will know that you stole my idea.

Homer:	I'm just waiting for my kid.

Homer's Brain:
	Mental note: steal his idea.

		Lisa The Iconoclast (Episode 3F13)
%
(After a screening of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat)

Bart:	How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy before?

CBG:	Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg
	copy of Itchy and Scratchy meet	Fritz the Cat. Because of it's frank
	depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile
	intellect, such as yours, now toodle-oo.

		The Day The Violence Died (Episode 3F16)
%
(Bart sees a framed drawing of Itchy)

Bart:	Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.

CBG:	Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are making me laugh.
	That drawing is worth exactly 750 dollars American.

Bart:	It's valuable, huh?!

CBG:	Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you
	to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at
	this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city!

Bart:	Loser.

		The Day The Violence Died (Episode 3F16)
%
Milhouse:
	Can I use your bathroom?

CBG:	No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying customers only, if you
	purchase an item you may use the bathroom.

Milhouse:
	Aw, ok, how about that?

(Milhouse points to a framed photo)

CBG:	That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore, it is
	worth one hundred and fifty dollars.

Milhouse:
	Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?

CBG:	(sigh) You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure. A
	child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is
	'fries'.

		22 Short Films About Springfield (Episode 3F18)
%
(Milhouse pays for the comic as his father enters the shop)

Kirk:	Er, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just needed to use the
	bathroom, now I find you buying comics.

CBG:	Oh, our transaction is completed, you may take the boy.

Milhouse:
	Wait!

		22 Short Films About Springfield (Episode 3F18)
%
(At 'Miscellaneous Etc.' gadget store)

CBG:	Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote unquote, Ultimate
	Belt.

Storekeeper:
	I see, do you have a receipt, quote unquote,sir?

CBG:	I do not have a receipt, I won it as a door	prize at the Star Trek
	convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical
	as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt.

Storekeeper:
	Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with
	the ladies.

CBG:	Hey, I... Huh... Tha... Oh...

Storekeeper:
	Gee, I hate to let you down Casanova, but uh, no receipt, no return.

Bart:	I'll give you four bucks for it.

CBG:	Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense
	the insults rather than absorb them.

		The Homer They Fall (Episode 4F03)
%
CBG:	Er, your attention please. Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8 by
	10 glossies of Poochie. Please form a line, there will be no cutting.
	I'm talking to you Mr. Cutter.

(CBG cuts to the front of the line)

CBG:	Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup. Hi, can you
	make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name.

		The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Episode 4F12)
%
CBG:	Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst
	episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes
	registering my disgust throughout the world.

Bart:	Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?

CBG:	As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.

Bart:	What? They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for
	free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you
	owe them.

CBG:	Worst episode ever.

		The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Episode 4F12)
%
(In the wheelbarrow line at Dr. Nick's clinic)

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  My Sister, My Sitter (Episode 4F13)
%
(CBG is accosted by Rex Banner)

Rex Banner:
	Are you the Beer Baron?

CBG:	Yes, but only by night. By day, I am a mild-mannered reporter for
	a major metropolitan newspaper.

Rex Banner:
	Don't crack wise with me tubby.

CBG:	Tubby? Oh yes, tubby.

		Homer Vs. The 18th Amendment (Episode 4F15)
%
CBG:	And will there be any more spurging today?

Bart:	Oh my, yes. Mmmm. I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection.

CBG:	Ah, a superb choice. In volume two Radioactive Man travels through
	time to defeat Jesse Owen in the 1936 Olympic Games.

Bart:	Put it all on my credit card my good man.

CBG:	Oh, pardon me Santos, if that is your real name, Bart Simpson, but
	your phoney credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants and
	split.

		The Canine Mutiny (Episode 4F16)
%
(CBG walks along the road reading a comic book)

CBG:	But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills, you're from two
	different worlds.

(CBG sees missile approaching)

CBG:	Oh, I've wasted my life.

		Treehouse Of Horror VIII - The Homega Man (Episode 5F02)
%
(CBG attends the Movementarians mass marriage ceremony)

CBG:	(to new bride) So, do you enjoy comic books?

		The Joy Of Sect (Episode 5F23)
%
Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: The Final Brassiere. Oh hurry up, I'm a busy man.
Ugh, this high-speed modem is intolerably slow. (The download is interrupted by
a banner advertisement) Hey, what the? Huh, the Internet King. I wonder if he
can provide faster nudity.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Das Bus (Episode 5F11)
%
Homer:	Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?

CBG:	I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight kilobaud
	internet connection to a one point five megabit fiber-optic T-1 line.
	Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatable with my
	token ring ethernet LAN configuration?

Homer:	(after long pause) Can I have some money now?

		Das Bus (Episode 5F11)
%
(CBG sits on a Portaloo reading "Zebra Girl")

CBG:	Oh, it appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.

		King Of The Hill (Episode 5F16)
%
(CBG sits on a bus wearing a helmet)

Lisa:	May I have that seat?

CBG:	Yes. If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first...

Lisa:	Never mind.

		Lost Our Lisa {hl} (Episode 5F17)
%
(Outside the home of the celebrities)

CBG:	Alec, Alec, regarding that so called "silent" propulsion system in
	"The Hunt For Red October", I printed out a list of technical errors
	which I think you'd enjoy discussing.

		When You Dish Upon A Star (Episode 5F19)
%
(At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con)

CBG:	Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spiderman" in with the "Peter Parker -
	The Spectacular Spiderman" series. This will not stand.

Woman:	Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer for this stack
	of water damaged Little Lulus.

CBG:	Huh, "A" that is not water, it is Diet Mr. Pibb, and "B" I... (CBG
	turns to look at the woman) Ohh... Err... Tell me, how do you feel
	about 45 year old virgins who still live with their parents?

Woman:	Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you're on.

CBG:	Don't try to change me baby.

		Mayored To The Mob (Episode AABF05)
%
(At the car wash)

I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous
bumper stickers, particularly this one (he indicates a sticker which reads
"My Other Car Is A Millennium Falcon") which was given to me by a Harrison
Ford lookalike.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Viva Ned Flanders (Episode AABF06)
%
(Other CBG bumper stickers):

     The Truth Is In Here

     I Brake For Tribbles

     Kang Is My Co-Pilot

     My Child Is An Honor Student At Starfleet Academy

     Keep Honking, I'm Charging My Phaser

		Viva Ned Flanders (Episode AABF06)
%
Ooh, once again my underwear has become tangled in a cow-catcher.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Monty Can't Buy Me Love (Episode AABF17)
%
Dr. Hibbert:
	Now, let's get down to business, any new palindromes?

CBG:	Rise to vote, sir.

		They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
Lisa:	My family never talks about library standards and every	time I try
	to steer the conversation that way they make me feel like a nerd.

CBG:	We are hardly nerds, would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?

Lisa:	(Reading sweatshirt)
	C:/DOS
	C:/DOS/RUN
	RUN/DOS/RUN
	Ha, only one person in a million would find that funny.

Frink:	Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.

		They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
(Role-playing with Mensa)

CBG:	Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the
	Sun and not t'other way round.

Lyndsey Nagle:
	Stop looking down my blouse Copernicus.

CBG:	Forsooth, mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.

		They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
(Being interviewed by Kent Brockman)

The world has already taken note of our accomplishments, Springfield has
already moved up to 299 on the list of America's 300 most liveable cities.
(To camera) Take that East St. Louis!

		--Comic Book Guy
		  They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
(At the Mensa society meeting)

Lisa:	Now next week is our "state of the city" address. Has
	everyone finished their proposals.

CBG:	Well first of all I've a plan to eliminate obesity in
	women.

		They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
Lyndsey Nagle:
	Do I detect a note of sarcasm?

Frink:	(With sarcasm detector) Are you kidding? This baby is off the charts
	mm-hai.

CBG:	A sarcasm detector, that's a real useful invention.

(Sarcasm detector explodes)

		They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be
permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less
breeding, for me, much much more.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
(At the State of the City Address)

Dr. Hibbert:
	When are we going to get to my broccoli juice program?

CBG:	Quit butting in please. Your I.Q. is a mere 155 while mine is a
	muscular 170. (Sings) I am smart, much smarter than you, Hibbert.

		They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
%
(Bart drives by in his stolen tank)

CBG:	Egad -- a maniac cutting a swath of destruction!  This is a job for
	the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly... Ghost Rider.

Otto:	Well, what about Superman?

CBG:	Oh, please.

		Brother's Little Helper (Episode AABF22)
%
(The Collector has mounted the electromagnet, and Lucy, to his car)

Collector:
	[leaning out the window] Care for a Rollo, sweet Xena?

Lawless:
	All right Collector, stick this in your tweezers - I'm not
	Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic!

Collector:
	Oh, please, I'm not insane.  I simply wish to take you 
	back to my lair to be my bride.

Lawless:
	Oh, dear God!

		Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
%
[Pulls out a phaser] Stop right there.  I have here the only working phaser ever
built.  It was fired only once, to keep William Shatner from making another album.

		-- Comic Book Guy
		  Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
%
Good night, Retch Dude and Slobber Girl.  Sweet screams! (Begins to lower them
into the Lucite tank). (Turning to Lawless) Ha, ha, ha!  I am unbelievably amused.
Soon those bratty buttinskis will be encased in Lucite for all eternity. While
we're waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night:  (Clears
throat) Obi Wan,Iron Man, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and of course, Big Papa Smurf.

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
%
You tricked me!  With a ruse so hackneyed, it would make Stan Lee blush!

		--Comic Book Guy
		  Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
%
Collector:
	Ah ha!  Not even Xena is a match for the double-edged lightsaber from "Star
	Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace!" (takes it out of the package and
	activates it)

Lawless:
	(gasps) You removed it from its original packaging!

Collector:
	No!  It's no longer a collectible! (staggers backward until he crashes
	through a railing and plunges into the Lucite tank)

Lawless:
	(walks up to the railing and frees herself from the pouch)
	What a nerd.

		Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
%
(Covered in Lucite)

(The Collector, slowly, strikes a dramatic pose)

Collector:
	Lucite hardening ... must end life in classic Lorne Greene
	pose from "Battlestar Galactica."  Best ... death ... ever!

		Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
%
(In the alley behind his store)

CBG:	(throwing out a large stack of comics) It seems I will never sell these
	"She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" comics. Worst cross-over ever! (leaves)

Nerds:	(get the scent of the comics and grab the comics from the trash bin)

CBG:	(points a flashlight at them, which make their eyes shine red)

Nerds:	Aargh! (runs away)

CBG:	(Waving a broom at them) Shoo, nerds, shoo!

		Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (Episode BABF14)
%
Come back! Those are prescription pants!

		--Comic Book Guy
		  It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (Episode BABF18)
%
(Being interviewed for "Behind the Laughter")

CBG:	One time, Lisa bought a first edition of "Susan B. Anthony Man".
	Her check bounced higher than Rubber Girl!

		Behind the Laughter (Episode BABF19)